Friday, March 16, 2012

A Story Of Infertility

After a few months of marriage James and I got the distinct feeling that we needed to stop using Birth control. We thought this meant that we were supposed to have a baby. This thought scared, yet excited us. And so I went off Birth Control and Any tiny hint that "I might be Pregnant!" I would immediately take a pregnancy test. Then I just started to do it weekly, "Just in case" I really was pregnant. You know, to catch it Right when it was possible too!

I would stare at the test for 3min. or so before I decided that it wasn't going to suddenly change from negative to positive. And needless to say, I began to grow more and more disappointed as time wore on. I took a few tests here and there as the months wore on, but not as many as I did at the very start. After about a year we decided that it was time to see a Doctor. I went in and they Ruled out Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (Which is Great!). But There are/were other issues with me in that department.

I have always had irregular Periods (Approx. 4 times a Year, Never knowing how long it would be or how much flow would come). Because of my cycle I always had a fear that I might have trouble having children, and at some points fearing that I might not ever be able to bear them. But I was assured that it was very probable that I could and would have children. My main issue though was that I don't ovulate. And, When on rare occasion it does occur, a cyst forms around the egg and attaches itself to the walls of my ovaries. Making it more difficult for an egg to be able to successfully travel and meet the little spermies.

In essence. When the time came that we would be ready to have children, we needed to see a doctor/or specialist in order to conceive. Even with Doctor assistance, it might have been difficult to conceive because of all the cysts that I do have. Disheartened is how I felt. Perhaps I was focusing too much on the negative and not enough on the positive (No Pun intended).

My Doctor gave me hope, and told me that A simple pill (that he had) could do the trick. It wasn't 100%, but it could have been the answer to my pregnancy problem. I told a friend about my situation, but my friend (and the internet) told me that sometimes, if the pill didn't work, that after a while I could be completely infertile! O.K. Wrong advice to give a woman who already has fears of this. Especially since my Doctor is a very good one, but because of the things I found I lost faith in what HE was telling me, Even though as I reflect back on it now I realize that he was Probably right. Anyways, My friend told me that I should demand/ask to be re-directed to a fertility Specialist. So, I thought, well, that sounds good. I mean they do fertility every day so they probably know a little bit more about it than my own Doctor right?

After over a year of waiting for them to even call to set up an appointment with me I went to see the fertility Doctor. I was really excited to hear what they had to say, and to get the process moving along for a new little member of our family to arrive. I went in to a waiting room that felt like an E.R. Waiting Room. You sit and wait for them to call you, and your appointment time really had no value in the first place. They took us back to speak with us and my experience of them left me feeling upset, and more like a number than like an actual person. They gave me advice that made no sense to me. I mean, I wait over a year to see you and you treat me literally like a number?

I mean, when we first were taken back to our room a really nice nurse came in, and she gave us some pamphlets about pregnancy and some pre-natal vitamins, then she left and had us wait for the Doctor. Who took a long while to attend to us. Once the Doctor came in she spoke very quickly, and it seemed almost rehearsed. She said that After yea many days after my cycle to do such and such and then such and such. James and I tried to interject and explain that I don't have a regular cycle, Hence Why I Even Came! She said it doesn't matter after yea many days of your cycle you do such and such. And that they would attend to me again in about 30 days after I had done the required tasks.

After her spilling out what she had to say TO us (not a conversation) she left promptly letting us know that the nurse would be in soon to answer our questions. OK What? Isn't that Why we even see you? To have a discussion about ME!? So that YOU the Doctor/Specialist can Answer my questions and concerns? When she left the room I felt frustrated and upset. I didn't understand how Any of what she told me to do applied to me? I thought to myself, "I waited over a year for this? ... I wish I had just listened to my Family Doctor in the first place instead of insisting to come to this Specialist who apparently didn't even bother to read MY file." James was upset about it too. I asked him if he understood what I was supposed to do, and he felt the same as I did, "How does this apply to us?"

The nurse was of little help and we left with pamphlets that we read through, but couldn't apply. Or at least didn't understand HOW to apply it. Eventually, We gave up on the specialists unhelpful directions and went North to Work for the summer. Pushing a baby to the back of our minds until perhaps a more convenient moment would come. After the summer we then headed down to school for James' First Year of University. We thought of a baby since, but decided that having a baby in the States or at least having fertility treatments/AND having the baby in the states would cost WAY too much money. Ranging from $15 to $20,000 Dollars! Umm... No thank you. When you have a hard time paying just for school, how the devil are you supposed to pay for a baby And school. So we decided that waiting until he had completed school would be wise, because Financially we literally couldn't have a baby. It was asking for the impossible.

In the months since I have become content with the fact that this is just the way it is. God wants us to wait for a reason. And Over the last year and a half that we have been in school I have seen time and time again of the affects that we have been able to have on people because we did not have a baby. We've been blessed with experiences and friendships that we would not otherwise have had. There were days here and there that I would go online and see all of my friends having babies, or announcing pregnancies. Most the time I would be very happy for them, but at times it would upset me. I felt left behind a little. I would see people moving on with their lives, and here I was at school still with no baby and having to wait to buy a home until after graduation (When James gets into his desired profession & we live somewhere more permanent).

At church it felt like everyone was rotating though who would be having a baby and who would become pregnant (7 Women were pregnant at one time this last summer!) and I would try to focus only on the people that had been married just as long as us, and weren't pregnant. Or that were a little older than I, and weren't yet pregnant. That would always lift my spirits. That it was OK to not have children yet, because the desires of my heart proved to God that I wasn't waiting because I was selfish, but because I was waiting for HIS TIME for me to come. It's in his hands, and I just have to trust, and wait. Having Faith.

I would tell the Lord how I felt many times about my situation, sometimes I felt good and other times I felt bad, but he always heard my prayers. Always Listening to me. I am so grateful for his knowledge of my situation and for His Love and compassion he has shown towards me. He knows me. He loves me. And he is very much in control of my life.

It has nearly been Four years now since James and I's wedding day. Never using birth control except in the Very first few months of our marriage. Our life is wonderful and very blessed. Though there have been struggles along the way, overall everything has always turned out fine because the Lord has led and helped us though it all.

All through February of this year (2012) I felt a little like I was ridding an emotional Roller-Coaster. My attitude was a little on the stinky side as well. On Feb. 22 (My Birthday) It was the worst day yet! Or ... the Worst Birthday Ever! I worked, because no one covers shifts for people that work in the middle of the week. And The whole day I just wanted to Bawl. I Held in my tears the entire day feeling drained by the end of it. I had also recently picked up more hours and so more and more often, on some days, I just felt exhausted. Like I needed to go home and sleep. But, on the plus side, for no apparent reason my breast size increased quite a bit. James noticed and was very pleased with this unexpected occurrence. It made me feel pretty good too. =] But, he also noticed the stinky attitude, and was not impressed with it. So referring to my breasts (but really thinking about my attitude) he jokingly said that I was probably pregnant.

Ha. Ha. So, as a joke the next morning I took an expired pregnancy test to please his conscience. I knew deep down that I wasn't pregnant, but I was willing to take the test none-the-less. I sat down and proceeded to ... well, you know. James stood by waiting for the negative test result so that he could comfort me when I began to cry. Which is what he fully expected. That I would be disappointed, cry a little, and then move on with my day. I lifted the Test and Expected too see what I had previously experienced. One line (Negative) and then wait 2 or 3 min. to see if a second line would Ever appear. To my surprise IMMEDIATELY There were TWO lines! AND They just kept getting Darker! What the!?

We both Were in shock. Mostly Disbelief. This Def. Was not accurate. We ran to the store and picked up two new Tests to make sure that the test hadn't lied, I mean, It had expired months Ago after all. We were almost positive (in some moments of our minds) that it was a lying lie face liar! Stop teasing us stupid test, it's NOT FUNNY! So, That first test was at 8:30 am. Since there were two tests In our New box I decided that I could waste one right away just to see if we really were pregnant. I mean, I know you're supposed to wait till the morning, but, my curiosity got the best of me, and I used that Test. It was 11:30am And I had to run to work soon So I just did it. James was like, "OK? But it probably wont work anymore. You know that right?" I assured him I knew that, but I just had to take this test. So I did.

It was Positive. James took the test and held it in both hands in the doorway of the bathroom and started jumping up and down. "I'm freaking out right now!!!" He exclaimed. We both were in a frenzy! We didn't know what to think. We didn't know what to do. We were literally running around like chickens with our heads cut off. Should we get excited!? What the Heck is going on!? AHHHHH! We both agreed in our crazy state not to tell anyone until we figured out how far along we were, or at Least Until I got home from work.

It was crazy because we had no clue if I was four months or two months along! I mean I had a "Period" in late Nov. but that was it. I could have gotten pregnant ANYTIME since then and just be like one of those people on "I didn't know I was pregnant!" They had no signs, no symptoms and no belly showing and all of a sudden they had a baby. The scary thing is, they all had similar situations as mine pertaining to their cycle's. Some even had the same body type as mine! We were pretty much freaked out. I left For work, leaving James at home alone with only his thoughts (not always a good thing lol especially after receiving this kind of information). He literally thought that the first test was bogus. Now it seemed to be otherwise.

I returned home late that night and at 8:30pm took the last and final pregnancy test. 3 Positives. One day. I must be pretty far along for that to happen. Right?
We Called both of our parents and told them that they needed to "Go onto Facebook Right Now!" Because we sent them a "Message." I can't recall what we said to persuade them to actually look, they all seemed like, "O.K? What is SOOoo Important that I HAVE to go on RIGHT Now?" In their messages was a photo of All three Pregnancy tests lined up With a message that Read. "Oops! I Guess My Eggs can Drop!" They Read the Words a little confused, then looked at the photo and connected the phrase to the photo. They were very Excited/Happy for us to say the least. And Since both of our parents were in Canada at the time, it was a fun way of announcing to them without Just saying, "We're Pregnant!" (This All Happened on March 15th 2012).

James and I decided, well before I got pregnant and through careful research and pondering, that we would have our children naturally (unless an unexpected "High Risk Pregnancy Occurred) and that we wanted to use a Midwifery. After testimonials from people who had gone to Midwifery's, done water births and those who just went straight to the hospital for an Epidural, we decided that the Midwifery was the place for us. We looked up the Midwifery place that we had already chosen to attend (had we gotten pregnant in the states) and called them Immediately! James and I just Couldn't wait! We had no idea how Far along we were, or what to do next and we desperately needed a little direction from our chosen Midwifes. Mostly though, we were dying to know if our Due date was closer to August, or November. We really had no clue! Plus I still was in Disbelief. I couldn't wrap my head around it still. Was I Really Pregnant!? Is there something inside me? Really!? When we go the Midwifery would they tell me I really wasn't pregnant and that I was crazy!? Am I crazy!?

Sadly it was Thursday, and they are only open M-W for appointments, so we endured an agonizingly long weekend. Joking that we would have all of our friends guess which month the Baby would come. Which, we probably still might do lol. When Monday Finally came we called right when they opened to set up an appointment. They couldn't get us in till the next day for a tour, but that was better than waiting for another whole week! So Tuesday (the 20th) we went in and had a tour and mini consultation. At the end we were like, "PLEASE give us An Ultrasound!" Well, I can't remember the exact wording, but in my head I couldn't even pay attention to stuff they had previously spoken to us about because All I could think was, "What if I'm not Really Pregnant?" "How far along am I?" and many other questions along those lines.

They took us into the back room with the ultrasound equipment and Gave in to my hearts desire. The moment of truth. If there was a little nugget on that screen it would prove that I really was not crazy and that we were in fact Having a baby! She spread the Gel onto my belly an began to move the little stick around my tummy. There it was. A baby! She even showed us the little heart beat! It was a little blinking dot moving steady and quick. She printed off the photo of our little guy for us and I literally could not hold in my excitement all day! I told like every family member I could before I headed in for work. It was Crazy Exciting! And still is! We are Having A Baby!!!

Today (Monday, April 2nd) We went back in to the baby place for our first official consultation. They spoke with us, answered questions, and took a urine sample along with some blood samples to get me tested for different things. We also had the opportunity to hear the heart beat for the first time and got another ultrasound picture. This time the baby had greatly grown (Since the last ultrasound two week previous). And the Due date moved up a week! But ... We're still going to stick with the first due date given, since it is likely to be more accurate than the second date. (Both dates were deciphered from the measurement of the baby (fetus) in the ultrasound due to the fact that we had no "last period" to go off of, like most women do).

It has been a crazy, yet awesome, last few weeks for us. I feel so grateful towards my Father in Heaven for Blessing us with such an amazing miracle to be brought forth through me. This truly is miraculous, and there is no doubt in my mind of who is responsible for such an amazing event. Heavenly Father is mindful of me, and he is very much in control of the things that happen in my life. The spirit that he sent to be born to James and I is very special, and the timing is perfect. I don't know if I would have ever thought ANY moment was perfect, but I do know that the timing MUST be perfect, because My Father in Heaven is the Author of this event, and HE is perfect. And all that he does is Perfect. So this must be the right time for this baby, and for us.

I think miscarriage is always in the back of every pregnant woman's mind. And very much so in mine. I think I will still fear for the worst until this precious child is in my arms, but even if it does happen, I know that it was such a great blessing in my life to even become pregnant. The Lord Giveth, and the Lord taketh Away, but I take comfort in the fact that he loved me enough to give in the first place. I know that tears and pain would be inevitable if the worst did occur, but hope, love and gratitude would hopefully push aside my pain quickly. I am very grateful. Very blessed. And very Happy. Thank you Heavenly Father for this very special Gift. For this incredible miracle, and for knowing me better than I know myself.

Love Always,
Mrs. Fray Fray